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Dear Billy: If someone says Santa's a woman, belt him
by Allan R. Andrews
American Reporter Correspondent
Washington, D.C.
WASHINGTON -- "Dear Editor, some jokesters on the Internet are claiming Santa is a woman. My Webmaster tells me you can believe it if you read it in The American Reporter. Tell me, sir, is Santa a woman?
"Thank you, Billy Bandwith."
Allan Andrews replies:
No, Billy, Santa Claus is not a woman despite what many yahoos in Cyberspace would have you believe. Why, Billy, you might as well not believe in e-mail.
The word being passed around the Internet's humor band like a Monica (more on her later) Lewinsky rumor is that Santa has to be female for several reasons.
First, the male-mocking jokes argue, the vast majority of men don't think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
Second, once a guy gets to a mall, he finds lingerie suitable only for streetwalkers.
Furthermore, a man will buy cheap perfume or any sharp object made by Ronco that slices or dices and winds up lost at the back of the kitchen cabinet shelves.
Such Christmas shopping foibles that don't fit Santa's ways are supposed to convince us Santa has to be a woman.
Don't be fooled, Billy.
The argument goes that if Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a Nintendo or PlayStation under the tree.
A male Santa, it is argued, would invariably have transportation problems because he would get lost in the snow and clouds and refuse to stop and ask directions.
Other reasons for claiming Santa can't possibly be male are: 1) Men can't wrap presents; and 2) Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
A co-worker of mine -- female, I add -- is convinced that Santa is a woman because, as anyone who has studied Romance languages knows, she says, women's names end in "a."
There's Anna, Brenda, Carla, Donna, Emma, Fiona, Glenda, Henrietta, Ivana, Juliana, Katarina, Loretta, Monica (I said we'd get her in here), Nora, etc. You get the idea, don't you, Billy?
So, the logic goes, anyone with a name such as Santa has to be female.
Billy, those little yahoos are wrong. They have been affected by the deconstructionism of a disjointed age.
First, Billy, when a man dresses like a gremlin and sits in a Styrofoam castle to baby-sit while mothers shop, he gets paid for it!
Second, beneath those fluffy white whiskers are the genuine article that can't be plucked away with tweezers.
Furthermore, if Santa were female, she'd likely be calling for someone to shovel the snow, carry her large sack of gifts, or clean up after the reindeer. And as far as transportation problems go, if Santa were female she'd never move the sleigh unless it had a vanity mirror in the visor.
Billy, if Santa were a woman, all people in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find flannel pajamas under the tree, but only after they'd flossed their teeth and vacuumed beneath their beds. (And the price tag would still be available in case the pajamas didn't fit.)
And think of this, Billy: What sense is there in wrapping gifts with fancy paper that is pulled to shreds in seconds and doubles a family's trash on the morning of Christmas Day?
Besides, what woman would be caught wearing an oversized patent leather belt to accent her jelly-like tummy?
No, Billy, Santa is very much a man, and his story is rooted in the legend of St. Nicholas and the history of Clement Clarke Moore's poem, "The Night Before Christmas."
I know his name ends with an "a," but think of the men whose names end with the same letter: There's Ara (a famous football coach), Asa (a famous biblical king), Bubba (a famous friend of Monica's), and Joshua (a famous trumpeter and wrecking-crew chief).
Think of this, Billy, Santa always says "Ho, Ho, Ho." You never hear him sighing, "Ah-h, isn't that cute!"
Just to be sure, I checked three or four stories about Santa in last week's USA Today, and sure enough every one of them refers to Mr. Claus as a "he."
Santa Claus a woman? I'd sooner believe Rudolph was a red-nosed rabbit. Billy, I have a secret for you. A thousand years from now; indeed, ten thousand years from now, the offspring of all those Cyberspace cross-Clauses who are simply jealous of Santa's capacity for eggnog and holiday football will be able to sit in Santa's lap and know without doubt that he is a man.
His belt surely will be buckled from right to left!
Allan R. Andrews can be contacted at allan.andrews@reporters.net