THE 'WHYZIT?' WORLD OF GOMER GUTHRIE

By Allan R. Andrews, Editor,

Pacific Stars and Stripes, Tokyo, Japan

I hadn't noticed previously anything about my friend from Alterego, N.Y., Gomer Guthrie, that would make me judge him a prude. Rather, he shows odd traces of being shrewd.

Gomer provides interesting ideas for discussion; he's become a kind of folk philosopher in my life, always remembering the little guy with the odd thought that seems to escape movers and shakers.

I think it was Gomer or one of his relatives who first suggested ski resort operators provide company blankets for people who ride the lifts in the cold of winter.

Another of Gomer's suggestions hasn't gotten beyond the local Alter Ego restaurant, but he suggested "Granny Meals" to go along with "Kids' Meals."

Makes sense: a small hamburger, small fries and a small drink at a reduced price for the elderly person who doesn't need to devour three meals between oversized buns in one setting. Gomer didn't insist a toy be included in the elder's meal box, either.

One of Gomer's shrewdest notions came to light last year during a discussion on Election Day. Gomer suggested what he called Universal Voter Saving Time.

Several of us were bemoaning the time differences that resulted in a kind of after-the-fact voting period in the Western time zone. About six o'clock Eastern time it became clear that Bill Clinton would be reelected while the polling places in California, Oregon and Washington still had about five hours of voting before they would close for the day.

Clearly, many voters in California, for example, would be going to the polls knowing from the televised news that their vote was extraneous, the winner had already been determined.

Gomer's notion was that states should adjust voting hours to keep the polls open for matching periods of time. Eastern Time Zone voters would go to polls opening at 6 a.m. and closing at 7 p.m. Central Time Zone voters would vote between 7 a.m. and 8 p.m., voters in the Mountain time zone would vote between 8 a.m. and 9 p.m., and those in the Pacific time zone would vote between 9 a.m. and 10 p.m.

"The voting booths across the country would open and close at exactly the same hour," Gomer said, supporting his logic.

He had worked out a special dispensation to allow voters in Alaska, Hawaii and Guam to begin voting the previous night, keeping polls open from 8 p.m. until 9 a.m. the next day.

"There's a beautiful logic to what you're suggesting," I told Gomer.

"Well, that's the politician's kiss of death," he said. "Guess we'll never get that idea past a committee."

Gomer also has a wonderful way of posing questions.

"Why is it" he always seems to begin, "hotels provide free shampoo and mouthwash and shower caps and shoe-polishing cloths, but they never provide the one thing most travelers forget -- toothpaste?"

"Why is it," Gomer asked on another occasion, "that no one ever answers junk mail?"

Noticing my puzzled look on that one, Gomer explained that he frequently writes to those who send mail that most people simply toss into the trash.

For example, Gomer has written to several magazines that send out renewal subscription letters about nine or ten months before a one-year subscription expires. Usually, these solicitations attempt to get subscribers to plunk down another year's subscription price that can go into the profit of the magazine in the current fiscal year.

A typical Gomer letter to one of those computer magazines, for example, asked if it wouldn't be wiser for him to let his subscription run out because then he would be courted with new offers of free gifts to begin a subscription, whereas current subscribers are never offered free gifts to renew subscriptions.

Similarly, Gomer is a demon with trial subscriptions. He must be the only person I know who sends off a timely letter to publishers after trying a three-month sample subscription advising the publisher that he doesn't want their magazine anymore.

"Why is it," Gomer asks, "they don't just cut the price of a product instead of offering a mail-in rebate?"

When I suggested it was because most people never bother to mail-in the rebate form, Gomer looked at me as though I didn't know the purpose of a post office.

I've noticed over the years a pattern to Gomer's complaints; they almost always begin with "Why is it," except that with his particular New York accent the question comes out beginning, " Whyzit?"

I've come to think of Gomer as the Whyzit philosopher; the Socrates of the simple question.

It was therefore no surprise to me when he asked at one of our bull sessions, "Whyzit modern TV and movies have to give all their characters potty mouths?"

Gomer doesn't get to movies often, nor does he watch much television, so his example was a bit dated, but he'd sat through a showing of "Stand By Me," Rob Reinert's highly praised story of preteen coming of age.

According to Gomer, everything about the movie was authentic except the precocious profanity of the young protagonists.

His argument turned psychologically sophisticated when he claimed preteens may curse a great deal, but they do it self- consciously. In the movie, he added, the self-consciousness was apparent in everything but the youngsters' profane language.

"Whyzit the bank charges you to do business with a teller, but let's you deal with one of those teller machines for nothin'?" Gomer asked as our discussion wore down.

When I told him that banks were now charging for the use of an ATM, he simply said, "It figures; those machines were gettin' pretty rude, anyway."

Whyzit I have such a hard time figuring out this character?

Gomer X. Guthrie can be reached at the same address.