A sweet tooth accompanies my good friend in Alterego,
N.Y., Gomer Guthrie.
``Never seen an M&M I didn't like,'' is
how he explains his penchant for sweets.
Recently, he told me he thinks Shannon Lucid,
the female astronaut who is breaking records in the Russian space
station, should be hailed as much for her request that more M&M's
be shipped to her as for her achievements in science and space
endurance.
Gomer quickly adds, ``I don't want to endorse
M&M's; they could just as easily ship her Skittles for all
I care. What's important is that she admits she's still got some
kiddie receptors in her mouth.''
With that in mind, I was mildly surprise to
hear Gomer expound on one of his least favorite topics -- Congress,
and especially that august body of good old boys known as the
Senate, or ``Senitt,'' as Gomer says, just barely touching the
``e'' so that it sounds like S'nitt.
One might say
Gomer has a habit of getting into a snit over the S'nitt.
``I guess what really gets to me,'' Gomer said,
``is hearing these lawmakers argue about `poison pills' the opposition
is slipping into legislation and praising their own `sweeteners'
inserted into the same bill.
``I've heard the S'nitt called lots of things,
but I didn't know it was a candy kitchen.''
Well, I figured this was just another of those
Guthrie pet peeves that hadn't really been framed carefully. Gomer
has a way of thinking with his mouth.
After all, the U.S. Senate could be considered
the world's most prestigious gathering of wisdom in the world.
This is a collection of each state's two best minds gathered together
in an exclusive club of 100 to ``advise and consent'' on world
policy and set the agenda for the world's most powerful and influential
nation.
Then I read a tiny news item about a problem
the Senate's Labor and Human Resources Committee has with members
not showing up for meetings.
The story detailed
how elected senators were enticed to attend committee meetings
by having placed by their seats at the table -- in addition to
the usual paper, pencil and glass of water -- candy treats.
The first day, according to the Congressional
Quarterly story, a candy known as Sweet Tarts greeted the committee
members. The next day, the treat was Jolly Ranchers, and the third
day it was Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
For the record, the Senate Labor and Human
Resources Committee is a standing committee chaired by Sen. Nancy
Landon Kassenbaum, R-Kans. Its ranking Democratic is Sen. Edward
M. Kennedy, D-Mass., and its other members are: James M. Jeffords,
R-Vt.; Claiborne Pell, D-R.I.; Dan Coats, R-Ind.; Christopher
J. Dodd, D-Conn.; Judd Gregg, R-N.H.; Paul Simon, D-Ill.; William
Frist, R-Tenn.; Tom Harkin, D-Iowa; Mike DeWine, R-Ohio; Barbara
A. Mikulski, D-Md.; John Ashcroft, R-Mo.; Paul Wellstone, D-Minn.;
Slade Gorton, R-Wash.; and Lauch Faircloth, R-N.C.
The committee's jurisdiction is over health,
education, training and public welfare. For example, this committee
oversees activities of the Red Cross and the nation's agricultural
colleges.
This is a powerful committee, but unless one
stretches the definition of agriculture, I don't think candy-tasting
falls under its legislative umbrella; neither, apparently, does
truancy.
I immediately
took this story to Gomer.
He smirked in disbelief and said, ``I don't
blame 'em for eatin' candy. You know me; I never met a Malt Ball
I didn't like.''
He added, ``What really gets in my craw is
that they have to be enticed to come to meetings.
``You know,'' Gomer went on, settling into
his reflective mode -- as though he were about to deliver a speech
from the floor of the Senate, I thought -- ``my wife worked with
a teacher who sent memos to colleagues and attached a chocolate-chip
cookie to each memo.
``That teacher was convinced his memos were
read more carefully because of the attached cookie.''
I told Gomer that sounded like a token economy
reward system that researchers used in studying children's and
chimpanzee's behavior.
``That fits,'' Gomer said. ``Children, chimpanzees
and senators all fit the same social behavior profile.''
``Were the teacher's memos more effective?''
I asked.
``I don't know,'' Gomer said. ``I think he
got out of teaching and went into the bakery business.''
I told Gomer one senator's wife complained
the treats being left to entice the truants were non-nutritional.
She insisted a more healthy sweet be left by each seat. The next
day, boxes of raisins were placed by each committee member's place.
``She should be in the Congress,'' Gomer quipped.
``That's effective legislative pressure.''
I couldn't keep from Gomer another compelling
aspect of the news story.
``One of the senators was upset because they
weren't using the candy that's produced in his home state,'' I
said. ``He wanted a Goo-Goo Cluster left at each senator's place.''
Gomer nodded
and smiled knowingly. ``The deal makers of the S'nitt always know
where their food is grown,'' he said. ``Goo-Goo Clusters probably
got that man elected. Did the story happen to name the Goo-Goo
Cluster senator?''
``From Tennessee,'' I said. ``Sen. Frist. His
staff discovered Goo-Goo Clusters aren't sold around Washington,
so they provided the gooey treats for the committee -- those of
them that showed for the meeting.''
I knew I had Gomer wound up now so I expanded
on the story.
``None of the candy is left on the committee
table at the end of meetings,'' I said. ``Apparently, members
who are present gather up the extra candy left for their absent
colleagues.
The story said Sen. Pell of Rhode Island is
one of the leading scavengers.''
``Serves the absentees right,'' Gomer pronounced.
``Maybe they can devise a gadget that will measure how much candy
a senator devours while at work and publish that inflated figure
alongside voting records.''
It's a lark to hear Gomer get on a soapbox
about the foolishness of the Senate, but just as I was basking
in his bombast he turned the tables on me.
``Was there any place in this fine piece of
investigative journalism you're relatin' to me,'' Gomer asked,
``that they came up with the names of those senators who aren't
showin' up for committee meetings?''
I hesitated. ``No. Just the names of the candy eaters.''
``And candy stealers,'' Gomer added. I nodded.
``You journalists are in the pack, too,'' Gomer
said.
``Children, chimpanzees, senators and journalists;
you can't get 'em to do anything right unless you give 'em a Goo-Goo
Cluster.''
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Allan R. Andrews can be reached at allan.andrews@reporters.net
Gomer A. Guthrie (G.A.G.) can be reached at the same e-mail address