By Allan R. Andrews
American Reporter Correspondent
(with Gomer A. Guthrie)
 

WASHINGTON -- Has it occurred to anyone that we have two four-letter words running for president?

I put that question to my old friend Gomer A. Guthrie, the erstwhile folk philosopher of Alterego, N.Y. It's been years since Gomer and I have talked about politics, but I knew a presidential election was likely to bring him out of hibernation.

Gomer was not amused at my question, or rather at what he called my "soft-moronic humor."

"Some of the best names of history have been comprised of four letters," Gomer said, adopting his lecture voice.

"Think about Alexander Graham Bell," he said, as if pulling names out of the air. "Or think of Johann Sebastian Bach."

"Besides, if either of those gentlemen you mention is elected president," Gomer added, "he'll be the fifth president whose surname was comprised of four letters."

As is his mentoring way, Gomer paused for effect then asked, "Can you name the other four?"

"Polk," I said, grasping at my meager sense of history.

"Good," said Gomer, genuinely pleased. "How about the others?"

I was stumped.

"Taft," Gomer pronounced triumphantly. "He could well have been our largest president, too."

Again, he paused.

"The other two lived in your time," he said. "Ford and Bush."

"Of course, Ford also was an important name in business and industry," Gomer added.

"And you probably know that the greatest baseball player of all time had a four-letter name."

"Mays?" I offered with a smirk that he couldn't see.

"Ruth," Gomer said, ignoring my wit.

Warming to the battle, I shifted emphasis. "The first human had a four-letter name," I chimed in. "Adam."

As if to trump me in spades, as Gomer does so often in our verbal sparrings, he pulled his esoteric knowledge on me. "If you know anything about ancient Hebrew," he said, "you know that it was written without vowels. So even before Adam there was YHWH."

I guessed it was his turn to smirk. "We've supplied the vowels and call him Yahweh."

"Are you sure Yahweh is a 'he'?" I asked, hoping to gain an upper hand in this joust.

"Whatever," Gomer said, nonplussed. "Either way, the true name is 'holy;' four letters again."

"You know, Gomer," I finally said, "I should never get into these conversations with you."

"Oh," Gomer responded, "was this a conversation? I thought it was a battle of wits, or a search for crossword answers."

"I'm sorry," he continued. "You wanted to have a serious talk about presidential politics, didn't you?"

"Serious talk about presidential politics is an oxymoronic phrase," I said.

"Speaking of Taft," Gomer said, completely throwing me with his kaleidoscopic brainwaves, "Do you know that America, because of the influence of television, will probably never again elect a fat president?"

"I hadn't thought of that," I said.

"How about electing a woman president?" I asked, not able to resist trying to goad Gomer into one of his tirades.

"Ah," Gomer said with a tinge of delight. "A woman tried to make a go of it this time, didn't she?"

I had almost completely forgotten about Elizabeth Dole's campaign.

"And darned if she wasn't another of your 'four-letter words'," Gomer noted.

"Any four-letter names in your family?" I asked, trying to back out of this little game.

"My own middle name has four letters," Gomer said. "Alva. Gomer Alva Guthrie."

He paused again.

"I once knew a judge named Alva," I said happily.

"It's a famous name," Gomer said. "Ever heard of Thomas Alva Edison?"

Clearly, Gomer was going to one-up me every chance he got during this exchange.

"Gomer," I said, "I've got to get back to work."

"I understand," he replied. "Call me next month and let me know if you've figured out the names of the six U.S. presidents with surnames comprised of five letters."

"By the way," Gomer threw in just before we hung up. "One of them is not Bubba."

At the time of this writing, Allan R. Andrews was an editor in Washington, D.C., and a freelance writer. He can be contacted at allan.andrews@reporters.net.

Gomer A. Guthrie (G.A.G.) is a fictional alter-ego of the writer who can be reached at the same e-mail address.

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